DIY History | Transcribe | Iowa Women’s Lives: Letters and Diaries | Eve Drewelowe's journals, volumes II-III, 1950s

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Eve Drewelowe's journals, volumes II-III, 1950s

Page 186

to expression shall be discouraged. The way has been clearly unfolded to my vision. It has no luring by-paths, no meandering roads, no short cuts or forks. It consists only of ceaseless effort to expression of those convictions and needs that have been deeply buried but that must ultimately spring forth. Connections that had prior to now come out piecemeal and disjointed because there never was time to think them together and develop them into a consistently developing pattern going forward.
As has already been sketched, in that other life I would likewise point despite the drive and harass of an unlivable existence of duties, burdens, pleasures and a general busyness. Nothing was able to deter me in the little time I managed to salvage on the side. But that undoubtedly contributed - my undoing. If all the world were to crash about me the need would still remain undaunted, and although perhaps somewhat frustrated within, would seek an outlet. Indeed the point of my well-being, and in a sense not only a mode of life but even my small world did collapse, where the rhythm of internal functioning was disturbed and brought on the stomach situation of which I am wholly a part. But I shall paint regardless, for that is the one thing I am determined life shall not bereft me of or destroy. It is possible for it to sap my energy and demand more than I can give, but it shall not be able to prevent me from painting forevermore.
In that other life too, as has been outlined, I always made the necessary adjustments which enabled me to do what was expected of m as a part of the University community where my husband has employment. I generously accommodated my affairs and conducted myself so as to attend official affairs and be a part of social events. Wherever it was possible however I missed those deadly committee meetings, but to avoid them could not always be arranged and was not always feasible. Since belonging to organizations messes up life, and I particularly dislike routine, set schedules and times - that regimentation that numbs initiative and productiveness - I consciously side stepped being a joiner and belonger. Moreover, I would point. Even so

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to expression shall be discouraged. The way has been clearly unfolded to my vision. It has no luring by-paths, no meandering roads, no short cuts or forks. It consists only of ceaseless effort to expression of those convictions and needs that have been deeply buried but that must ultimately spring forth. Connections that had prior to now come out piecemeal and disjointed because there never was time to think them together and develop them into a consistently developing pattern going forward. As has already been sketched, in that other life I would likewise point despite the drive and harass of an unlivable existence of duties, burdens, pleasures and a general busyness. Nothing was able to deter me in the little time I managed to salvage on the side. But that undoubtedly contributed - my undoing. If all the world were to crash about me the need would still remain undaunted, and although perhaps somewhat frustrated within, would seek an outlet. Indeed the point of my well-being, and in a sense not only a mode of life but even my small world did collapse, where the rhythm of internal functioning was disturbed and brought on the stomach situation of which I am wholly a part. But I shall paint regardless, for that is the one thing I am determined life shall not bereft me of or destroy. It is possible for it to sap my energy and demand more than I can give, but it shall not be able to prevent me from painting forevermore. In that other life too, as has been outlined, I always made the necessary adjustments which enabled me to do what was expected of m as a part of the University community where my husband has employment. I generously accommodated my affairs and conducted myself so as to attend official affairs and be a part of social events. Wherever it was possible however I missed those deadly committee meetings, but to avoid them could not always be arranged and was not always feasible. Since belonging to organizations messes up life, and I particularly dislike routine, set schedules and times - that regimentation that numbs initiative and productiveness - I consciously side stepped being a joiner and belonger. Moreover, I would point. Even so